STRESS is a word that requires all caps

{a lovely, unstressed picture of me in Jamaica. *sighs* *cries*}

Isn't it amazing the way we get stressed out about everything? Especially when stress is an absolutely completely 100% USELESS thing to feel. I mean, since when have you been more productive, felt better about yourself, or been a more positive person because of stress? Since never. But yet we continue to worry ourselves sick about things that are, for the most part, beyond our control.

Can I control that today I did not practice my violin but instead ate cap'n crunch, gushers, and apple pie? I cannot now that I've eaten them. But I can and am stressing about it right now. Can I control that I have musical rehearsal until 9:30 p.m. tomorrow and I will be at school all day and I might not practice and I might be really annoying around my friends? No. Does that mean I'm not stressing about it? Also, unfortunately no.

I want to stop stressing so much about the things I can't control. I need to let them go, let them be, accept and even enjoy them as they come. This, I think, might be easier even than the other problem I have with stress.

See I have this thing where if something doesn't go exactly perfectly, I get frustrated and just want to throw the whole thing in the garbage. Give up, quit, whatever you want to say. I have the capacity to work extremely hard and I have the capacity to be mind-bogglingly lazy, and somehow being lazy makes me way more stressed. My thought pattern goes somewhat like this:

This is like the hundredth game of hearts you've played on your iPod today. What the heck are you doing with your life? You hate being on technology so much. Why are you doing it? You're a lazy, ignorant, stupid person getting stupider by the minute by rotting your brain away with that device!
Well, I don't even care. I'm going to just keep on rotting away my brain then. And well I'm decomposing I might as well eat as much unhealthy food as I can find! And not pack for tomorrow because screw my future self!

Yeah, my brain isn't always a fun place to hang out in.

It's also how funny how quickly I vacillate between "You've failed so badly it's not even worth doing anything at this point" and "It's not so bad, you can still get stuff done today". It's like a motivational battle waging high-speed war in my brain and it drives me nuts. I wish I could shut that stupid little failure voice inside of me up forever. I think I'd get so much more done.

I also kind of want to throw my iPod out the window and never see it again, but then I couldn't play virtual hearts and lose at virtual hearts dozens of times so ...

Resolution for the crazy busy next three days: Take it one moment at a time. Do my best for each moment, and if I fail, that's a momentary failure, not an entire day failure. Also, do not buy so much candy at the canteen and stop playing so many games on my iPod. And practice more. And don't forget rehearsals and memorizing all your music and...

There I go again.

PSYCH I'm Still Here

{a cartoon that has more to do with my love of Calvin and Hobbes than it does with the content of this post}

Since I stopped writing this blog, I went back and revisited it a couple many times. Because I really and truly loved writing it, or at least most of it. A thought that's been running through my brain the past few months is the idea of writing as a connection. It connects us to others and to ourselves. Truly good writing makes you feel empathy for characters or ideas. Just reading a good book can teach you things about yourself you wouldn't otherwise know. As Carlos Ruiz Zafon says: “A story is a letter that the author writes to himself, to tell himself things that he would be unable to discover otherwise.” {Don't think I'm getting too pretentious. I read that in lit class.}

I think we discover a lot about ourselves when we reach those points of emotional crisis when we 'don't know what do'. We've all had them. They can be big moments, like deaths or funerals or horrible accidents, or they can be small moments, like liking someone who doesn't like you back, dealing with rejections, or crashing the family car {yeah I did that. Twice.} They all share that same restless, insisting, confused mash of feelings that you must get out somehow. That somehow--through art, music, sports, or, in my case, writing, is your personal outlet. The way you make sense of yourself and the world. An essential part of you that once you know about it, you can use to your advantage {or disadvantage}.

I've been neglecting mine horribly, because I've been busy. Also because I downloaded Monopoly on my iPod and that game is more addicting than Mini Eggs and Mini Eggs are pretty much crack so there you go. But in reality, technology has been rather a battle of mine lately, and I haven't been using it as I should. I should be using it to write. To blog, I realized the other day as I perused The Fledgling Angel for the 30th time since my goodbye post. So that's what I'm doing. Because there are days I really, really, really want to blog about my newest lip stain or my new punk outfit or this new way of doing my hair that actually works. Even though I'm not a beauty fashion or hair blogger. And there are times I need to vent to someone about how certain stupid boys are driving me insane or how it feels to like someone who you haven't seen in practically a year. This blog is perfect for an insane mash of things that make no sense together but somehow reflect me and calm me and allow me to understand myself.

So if you want to read a complete mess of a blog that may contain such things as mascara, flannel shirts, annoying boys, way-too-goodlooking-boys-who-live-far-away, lace up boots, university applications, and graduation worries--look no further! I've got you covered. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm off to practice my stupidly hard violin piece which I'm playing in a month and a half in front of a panel of judges in a different province so I can be accepted into a university for music where I may or may not attend.

Angel, over and out.

I think this is goodbye...

Well, this is awkward.
And slightly melodramatic. A tad. Maybe.
But it's also true. I think this is goodbye.
You see, when I started this blog it was with good intentions. The greatest of intentions.
That's usually how I start things.
But like most things, it did not come to a satisfying end.
I did not succeed with all of my goals and become a perfect person. In fact I don't think I succeeded at one.
Whoops.
But it did teach me some things.
Like:
1) I should really think things through BEFORE I start them a little better.
2) I shouldn't try to blog about 6 billion things in the same space because it makes me frazzled, if no-one else.
3) I love to blog. I love to read people's blogs. And I especially love it when I connect with someone through the blogosphere (dat word!) (and shoutout to http://juddin97.wordpress.com and http://morningadventures.wordpress.com because they are ridiculously awesome people and we found each other and that's cool)
4) I do not know enough about makeup to justify a makeup blog even if I do like blogging about it
5) I do not have a very good fashion sense. (Currently, I'm wearing Greedy Smurf pajama pants that have not left my legs all day even though it's practically midnight)
6) But I try pretend
7) This blog is no longer inspiring me
8) And of course, the most important thing of all: I will never be perfect. I will never even be close to perfect. I once heard something like: "Perfect never ends. There will never be perfect because there is always more perfect," and it's true. The things we think are perfect are often deeply flawed and our dreams may be perfect but achieving them certainly isn't.

At my birthday party a few weeks ago, we were playing truth or dare balloons (a highly fun game, look it up) and one of my school "friends" (friends here meaning the term acquaintance who is a little more than that) got the balloon that said: "If there was one thing you could change about your appearance, what would it be?"

And she thought about it for a moment, and then she said: "Nothing, I like myself the way I am,"

And my first reaction was quite negative. And then my brain was all like: "What? That's confidence! You want to be confident!"

And then after thinking about it some more, this is what I realized: Thinking that you are perfect isn't confidence. Not wanting to change anything about yourself isn't confidence. There will always be things I amen't happy with, or even hate. No, I think true confidence is looking at yourself openly, plainly, and happily saying: "This is me. I am flawed. I am imperfect. But I take the good with the bad, and some days it may suck to be me, but other days it will be great. I am who I am, and that is someone unique and someone special,"

I can say that honestly, at least.

So if you take away anything from this flawed, imperfect, and slightly disastrous and rambling blog, take this: You will never be perfect. But that's okay, because being imperfect is much more interesting.

I started this blog with intentions of making adulthood seem a little less scary. Of growing up, if you will. I'm not going to say it was the blog, but I have grown up. I'm sixteen, in reality though in my head I think I'm probably in the middle of my 13th year. Despite that though, something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I've become more relaxed, or maybe more sensitive or more ... something. But being independent doesn't seem so terrifying.

It's been a great time, mostly. And somehow this is harder to say than I thought it would be.

But this is goodbye.

For now, I'll leave this blog up, all the posts about makeup and fashion and things I know nothing about but pretended to, as a sort of memento to my flaws, if you will.

And now it's long and rambling again. Whoops.

Goodbye.

-Angel

P.S. I will be starting a new blog, but this one will be different. It has a set purpose which may or may not interest you, which is rekindling my creative side. If it does, here's a link: A New Imagination.

How to Wear Makeup to Enhance Your Features

You know what the #1 problem is when people wear makeup? They use too much. It looks unnatural. This is not a "no-makeup makeup" tutorial, which there are a bazillion of so if you want one, just google it. But I feel like the best makeup is often the subtle kind that enhances, but doesn't detract.

Here is a simple makeup look that I wear all the time and is flattering on any face.

Step 1: Start with a fresh palatte (or face). Use a good facial wash to clear away dirt and grime, and then a light moisturizer.

Step 2: Concealer. Instead of caking on foundation, a good concealer can cover up problem areas without looking unnatural. Dot it on any acne, redness, or dark circles and blend out with patting motions

Step 3: Powder. Use a translucent powder to set the areas you put concealer on and any other areas if you get oily throughout the day (generally avoid putting it on the cheeks to keep a natural looking glow) You could skip this step completely if you have very dry skin.

Step 4: Fill in brows. Use a brow powder instead of pencil for a more natural look and concentrate only on areas with sparser hare, usually towards the ends of the brows. I love the Anastasia brow powder duo which you can find at Sephora.

Step 5: Eyeshadow. Use a light champagne or pink coloured eyeshadow with a little bit of sparkle to brighten the eye. Apply on the lid only, and apply with a wet brush to make the colour more intense.

Step 6: Eyeliner. Using a black or brown liquid eyeliner, apply a very thin line close to the upper lashes. Don't wing it out. You can also apply pencil to your bottom waterline to give your eyes more definition, but don't use it in the inner corners and probably not if you have small eyes as this does shrink them.

Step 7: Mascara. Use a black or brown mascara and apply only one or two thin coats. There should be no clumps.

Step 8: Lips. Use your favourite MLB lipstick. That stands for My Lips But Better, it's basically a shade that matches your own lipcolor fairly closely. This gives the effect of fuller, softer, and more evenly pigmented lips.

Et voila! A subtle, sweet look that's suitable for any occasion.

Back Again, with a Birthday

What?

What's that??

I'm still HERE!??

Gosh.

Wasn't expecting that.

So where was I for the past, oh, month?

Living in res. Doing mad amounts of sudoku? Reading a book a day? Studying for a bio test?

Yes, all of that, but it's not really that important. The only real interesting thing to note, other than the subject of those post is that recently I've been leaving my laptop home during the week which has led to me doing much more reading, drawing, and other nerdy activities which I have, frankly, been appreciating.

But back to the point. October 9th was my birthday. 16. Gosh. In my mind I'm around 14 and a quarter. But apart from that, I had two birthday parties. Yes, two. One for my friends I've had for forever and one for my school friends.

The first one was a bowling and cake low key event with my old friends (gosh that sounds bad--a good old, not a I'm over you old) which was fun, and then a bigger party (12 people) with my school friends. And while the first was more expected, comfortable, and familiar, the second was slightly nerve-wracking and definitely not comfortable at least while I was anticipating it, it was way more fun than I expected. There was no hiding, no escaping, no incredibly awkward moments and dare I say it, I had a ton of fun.

I lay in bed yesterday going through the events and trying to think of something I did wrong to obsess over. But I couldn't even find anything. So I'm going to call it a success. And move on to stressing out about how to deal with how to keep my old friends while not shutting down making new ones. More on that later, perhaps. But I just thought I might let those of you who are still reading know where I'm at.

Angel

Picture Day Do's and Don'ts

I had my very first picture day last year at school. And it was awful. I showered the morning before and didn't even touch my hair so I had no idea what it looked like. No makeup, also. The photographer kept getting me to move my face in awkward positions and when the pictures came back it didn't even look like me; more like some gremlin with only one eye and the awkwardest smile ever. They were terrible and I hated them. 

Luckily, this year I am much more prepared, and now, thanks to these tips, you too can never suffer another embarrassing school photo. Hopefully.

DON'T

-Do anything drastic the night before or day of. The worst thing you can do is decide to try out a new acne cream or a facial peel that makes your skin's worst day look good. Ditto for trying out new makeup products or hairstyles. Stick with what you know makes you look good.

-Smile too early. If you have to hold your smile for five seconds, it WILL look more and more psychotic after every second. Trust me. Most photographers will count down. Aim to smile at around two or three, NOT five or six.

-Do a fake smile. There is absolutely nothing worse than a fake smile. If you have a genuine, happy smile almost everything else can be forgiven. But with a fake smile, everything looks bad.

-Wear very glossy lipgloss. This will take over your entire photo and you will look back on it and regret it. Trust me. Lay off of it.

DO

-Wear makeup. I mean, you don't have to, but it does help A LOT. One of my least favourite things about my photo was how my eyes had completely disappeared and my face looked washed out. Don't wear a crazy smokey eye or bright red lipstick or anything, but a little bit of foundation, some bronzer to avoid washing out, blush and a neutral or sheer lipstick/stain will go a LONG way. ESPECIALLY eyeliner and mascara to make sure your eyes stand out. Don't do anything unnatural or that you haven't tried before.

-Practice. I know this sounds stupid, like who practices for picture day? But if you practice your smile every day for two minutes in the mirror for a week, you will feel much more confident knowing what you're going to do on the day of. Picture something that makes you happy and get used to the way your smile feels. 

-Get comfortable. When you arrive at the photo-taking-place, make yourself as comfortable as you can, or at least fake it. Awkwardness does show through in photos, so be confident.

-Keep your hair framing your face. This is true for 99% of people. Go for MORE volume in your hair as opposed to less, as I always find that the camera tends to shrink hair a little bit and make it look more flat. Curls can be very flattering as well, but whatever you do make sure you've done the hairstyle more than once so there's no surprises on picture day morning.

One Very Bad Day

~A day in my life: September 24, 2013~

7:15 a.m.: wake up. unwillingly leave my warm bed for the cold of my res room.
7:20 a.m. shower. manage not to drop anything on my feet.
7:40 a.m.: morning routine & get dressed
7:45 a.m.: breakfast. cereal.
8:00 a.m.: piano lesson. note to self: must. practice. more.
8:30 a.m.: go back to res room. do math catch-up from yesterday amidst much hatred for precal.
9:30 a.m.: biology
10:25 a.m.: chapel. watched weird video about breathing that made me acutely aware of my breath for the rest of the day.
10:50 a.m.: pre-cal. spent most of class trying to keep mucus IN my nose.
11:45 a.m.: lunch. bad soup + kitchen duty
12:45 p.m.: senior choir. boring.
1:45 p.m.: Gym class. we played volleyball. my team cheered when I got it over the net, but only because it happened so infrequently. Note to self: suck less at volleyball
2:45 p.m.: Digital photography. Headache worsened and voice dropping pitch faster than a squirrel on caffeine.
3:40 p.m.: school over. get changed and decide to go for walk with friends.
4:00 p.m.: friends ditch me for precal, so I do homework too.
4:30 p.m.: finally go on walk.
4:35 p.m.: discover that boy who I like has a thing with someone else.
4:45 p.m.: study precal and eat six wagon wheels.
5:20 p.m.: go to room and watch Juno and feel miserably sick and ugly and unloved and mad at the world.
5:45 p.m.: girl from my mod comes in to tell me that I'm on kitchen duty.
5:50 p.m.: drag my sorry butt out of bed to wipe old food.
6:20 p.m.: finish movie
7:00 p.m.: attempt to practice, quit.
8:00 p.m.:  precal study sesh. hate life even more.
9:00 p.m.: practice piano in chapel. sounds bad. continue hating everything.
9:30 p.m.: eat junk food and more precal
10:00 p.m.: go to bed and listen to sad songs on repeat while NOT thinking about guy I like because I don't actually like him anymore and I never really liked him ever and it would be stupid to be sad about a guy I barely even knew.
11:00 p.m. try to sleep.
11:15 p.m. roll over to try to drain mucus out of one nostril to the other
11:30 p.m. plan fails miserably, resort to mouth breathing
12:00 p.m. sleep