Fall Essentials

First of all, I'd like to say that recently I've been looking at my views on this handy tracking device on blogger, and I've been getting upwards of 10-15 views a day! And while that might seem pretty tiny in the grand scheme of things, to me it seems crazy. 10 people every day are reading my blog and listening to my rambles? I thought I'd just tell you that it does make me happy to know I'm being read. That and your comments inspire me to post more, because I'm not just posting to the internet, I'm posting to people. Now moving on to the actual post...

The top thing I have to have in fall is by far jeans.

Up here in frigid Canada, our fall is not something to mess around with. It gets cold. Jeans are my go-to bottoms almost all the time as they're warm, comfortable, and go with almost everything. I recently bought three pairs of jeans from American Eagle and I can't wait to wear them. American Eagle is my favourite jeans brand because they sell extra long jeans. Yes, I wear extra long jeans, size 6 extra long if you were wondering. I always hated having long legs because my jeans were always too short. ALWAYS. It drove me nuts so I'd pull them down and be left with too-low-on-the-butt pants which are just as bad. I absolutely love that American Eagle has such a good assortment of sizes (though they do only sell the extra long online). Their store also has free shipping to Canada and the US and good discounts—I got all of my jeans for $25 before tax and that's a great bargain considering that usually they're around $50 and last for a very long time. If you have odd proportions like me, I would highly recommend their jeans and their website.

The second staple is cardigans. I currently own three, one in black and one in maroon and a nautical navy red and white one, and they're great to just through on over a tanktop and are so cozy and warm. They go with practically everything and can be dressed up or down. 

My third fall staple is definitely a good pair of boots. Last year I had grey moccasins that I wore all the time, but this year I got an olive-green pair of military-style boots that I'm prepared to wear a lot as well. 

Another fall staple for me would be sneakers. I have a pair of converse high tops in grey and I love them for the warmer fall days. They go with practically everything and look casual and fun.

Fifth fall staple would probably have to be hats. I love a good beret and hats are great for bad hair days or nippy days where your ears get cold. I have a lot of berets and such but not a really good black beanie, so I'm on the search for one of those for fall.

And where would we be without a good pair of black leggings? These can go under a skirt or dress or with a long tunic. The options are endless and I think that if they're done right they can look quite classy. 

Seventh fall staple for me is a bright lip. I feel like a lot of fall clothing is fairly neutral colored which makes it easy to get a berry lip to pop. I especially love the Just Bitten Kissable Lip Stain in Charm, but any dark oxblood, wine, or berry colour would work.

A messy bun. I just feel like there's something fall-ish about the messy bun; I just see it paired with tights and a comfy sweater and it just fits. This is one of my go-to hairstyles on a bad hair day and I especially love it in the fall time. 

That's it for today, hope you enjoyed taking a peek into what I like to wear:) Comment below and tell me if you share some of my fall essentials or what your own are!

xoxo

Angel

Online Shopping: Beyond the Rack

I recently had a phase where I was online shopping kind of excessively. Very excessively. Don't judge, okay? Anyways, I placed orders off of two sites, beyondtherack.com and shop.ca. I figured since I had a hard time finding places to online shop in Canada that didn't have ridiculous shipping rates I'd let you guys know my experiences/opinions.

First, Beyond the Rack (BTR). I ordered four items from them on July 10th. Their site is set up with events filled with clothing or other items that only stay for a few days, so if you want something, you have to order immediately. That kind of sucks, but it does mean they have constantly changing and updated products, which is a bonus. Overall though I wish the events would last longer. Their prices are reasonable but not amazing, though they do have higher quality products which makes a difference. One of the things I really disliked about this site was that they charged you $11.95 for shipping even though they are based in Canada! They also make you pay for shipping if you return something, or so they say on their website, though I did return two things and I wasn't charged, so I'm not sure what was up with that. Another thing against BTR is that if you return something, you don't get cash, you only get an account credit. 

I received my first package from BTR on August 1, three weeks after I'd placed the order, which is a long time. The shoes I ordered were very cute and as pictured, but they didn't fit. The dress, however, felt cheap and the stitching was off-center and it gave me underwear lines. So that was not a go. Returning was easy because they put a label in the bag and I got full account credit. And the best part was that I got some awesome free samples that I had no idea about—a full size Olay CC cream which retails for over $15 and mini shampoo, conditioner, and hair thickener which I would never use because I need hair thinner, but it's the thought that counts. Also, travel size shampoo and conditioner and coupons for Crest whitening products. It was a jackpot, and it made me fairly happy.

 But then the days passed with not a hint of the other two items I'd ordered. Finally my shirt shipped on August 13th but they cancelled my skirt, refunding me cash as well as a $10 gift card. I also got a $10 gift card for my returned items. I was mad that the items took SO long and that they cancelled my skirt, but I was left with $43 in my account to use, so I bought a pair of boots and two necklaces. To my surprise the boots shipped almost immediately and they fit and I absolutely love them. 

So my overall experience? Very mixed. Their shipping rates are awful, but their rewards program is pretty good. Most of their products are pretty good quality but you never know. I would order from here again only if I wanted to buy something very expensive that was cheaper online so it would be worth the shipping cost. 

Let me know if you guys appreciate this or if it's incredibly boring. If you like I'll tell you how I felt about Shop.ca:)

About Me Tag

Vital Statistics:

Place of Birth: Somewhere in Canada ;)

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Male or Female: Female

Occupation: Free as a wild bird. Except for school.

Residence: Canada, as in NOT GONNA TELL YOU. Shorry.

Screen Name: Angel/The Fledgling Angel

Appearance:

Hair Colour: Dirty Blonde

Hair Length: Short/Medium

Eye colour: Hazel

Best Feature: Eyes

Height: 5' 9 3/4"

Braces?: Got them off in May! Will not miss. At.All.

Glasses?: Yes, but more often I wear ma contacts to spare the world a little of my nerdiness. {Apparently that's not a word. Okay.}

Piercing: Ears

Tattoos: None.

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Your 'Firsts':

First best friend: My friend C., we met when I was 2 and she was my only friend for a long time. Happily, we're still friends. Though I have more friends now.

First Award: No idea? I've been getting violin awards since I was seven or eight, so probably something like that.

First Sport You Joined: Baseball! I hate baseball. It's the most boring sport ever, but my mom put me in a little tykes baseball when I was around four. I couldn't hit to save my life, or catch for that matter. Most memorable moment was in my first game when I finally hit the ball, and hit it pretty well. Everyone was yelling at me to run home, and I, having no idea how to play baseball or what home was, starting running for my house. 

First Real Vacation: That I can remember, Mexico with my extended family.

First Concert: Faber Drive. I'm not proud, people. 

First Love: Hasn't happened as of yet.

Favourites:

Movie: Lord of the Rings.

TV Show: Don't really have TV, but anything food related.

Colours: Blue

Song: After the Storm, Mumford and Sons or Things That Stop Your Dreaming, Passenger OR pretty much anything U2

Candy: Coffee Crisp Bites. My addiction.

Restaurant: Meh. Not really a huge fan of most of them. 

Store: I really like American Eagle for their jeans but pretty much anything, I'm not fussy.

School: can't tell ya that!

Book: Gypsy King by Maureen Fergus is currently ma fave, but I read way too much to have just one.

Magazine: home organizing/decor. #dontjudge

Shoes: Moccasins 

Currently:

Feeling: Lazy and hungry

Single or Taken: Single

Eating: Nothing

Typing: This

Online: Obviously...

Listening To: Nothing. Previously, Lana Del Ray

Thinking About: Supper. 

Wanting: To not have to dust, wash my bedding, walk my dog, and have responsibilities.

Watching: The computer screen

Wearing: Pink cut-offs and a feather tank.

Future:

Want Children?: I don't want to give birth, but I'm thinking adopting is a good way to go.

Want to be Married: Eventually.

Careers in Mind: Writer, teacher, really have no idea.

Where do you want to live?: Somewhere warm with gorgeous scenery and not too many people.

Have you ever:

Kissed a Stranger: Nope...

Had Alcohol: Apart from trying sips, no

Smoked: No, and never.

Ran Away From Home: Yes! When I was very little. 

Broken a bone: No

Got an X-ray: Nope

Broken Someone's Heart: No

Broke Up With Someone: Kind of

Cried When Someone Died: Yes

Cried At School: No ... maybe? Not in public, anyways.

Do You Believe In:

God: Yes

Miracles: Yes

Love At First sight: Not sure

Ghosts: No

Aliens: No

Soul Mates: Yes

Heaven: Yes

Hell: In some form

Kissing on The First Date: Would have to actually experience this to judge.

Yourself: With some things, sometimes.

Back-to-School Shopping List

• Zippered Binder
• Dividers
• Mechanical Pencils + Lead
• Erasers
• Black pens
• Highlighters
• Post-it flags
• Graph/Lined paper
• Bedding
• Fun Tack
• Pictures
• Water Bottle
• 2 pairs jeans
• Comfy T-shirts/Sweaters
• Boots
• Classy sneakers?
• Runners
• Laptop case
• 
  

Ana and My Food Journey + Feather 3

I think my relationship with food was normal up until the winter when I was eleven. That's when, to be blunt, I got fat. Not hugely obese, but I grew a good-size belly. That wasn't really the problem, though. The problem was two-fold: I knew I was fat, and I needed to be perfect. "Perfect" didn't come chubby. I remember very clearly the moment of revelation when I first realized I was fat. A cold, wintry day, just before I was about to climb into bed. Standing in front of my small mirror in only my underwear, and seeing my stomach protrude over the elastic waistband. I was disgusted with myself. I vowed I would change.

The change came slowly. Cutting out most sweets. Eating less snacks. Nothing unhealthy or excessive. And the weight started to come off. It helped that I was growing, too. My constant mirror checks on my body were yielding encouraging results. By the time summer came my belly was nearly gone. But that wasn't enough. 

I was on the swim team, my second year I think, and that pulled even more weight off. It was exhilarating watching my body transform from chubby, flabby, disgusting to skinny and firm. 

I don't know exactly when my weight loss changed from healthy to unhealthy, or when the voice in my head stopped being motivation and started being damaging. I don't know exactly when I became anorexic. But I have no doubt that I did. First it started with skipping breakfast. I didn't like eating breakfast anyways, so it wasn't hard. I kind of liked the dizzy feeling I got, swimming in the morning on an empty stomach. Then came cutting out supper. A granola bar would suffice. It got to the point where I was eating a small portion of lunch and a granola bar for an entire day. I got to around 90 pounds and 5'6". My hipbones stuck out and my stomach was a hollow and I could see my ribs and all the bones in my chest. I looked sick. But somehow, I didn't see it. All I could see were my flaws. "My lovehandles are still there," I would think, pinching the small bit of flesh left on my frame. "My waist needs to be smaller. My side view is too thick. My thighs have a little bulge on them." I remember those thoughts well, probably too well.

And then, I stopped. I don't know why. Maybe because in the back of my head I realized how sick this was, more likely because my friends were telling me to stop and eat more. But I gained back enough weight to look healthy again. I was still skinny—my pot belly never came back—but not anorexic any more. 

But that's the thing, isn't it? You're never really not anorexic anymore. I mean, you can be a healthy weight and eat normally. But the voice in your head never goes away. I can't indulge and eat two cupcakes without the voice whispering: "You're a fat pig. Look at your stomach. You should be ashamed. Get yourself under control. Stop eating. right. now." 

True, I haven't listened to these voices seriously in a long time. But the effect they have on your self image is horrible. I can never be happy with my body. I wore a bikini once but I don't have the confidence to pull it off. I feel fat now, at 135 pounds, and the urge to lose weight is nagging at me again. 

Many people have told me how skinny I am, how lucky I am to have a body like I do, and when I tell my friends I feel fat, they laugh at me or glare at me and say: "Shut up, okay? You're so skinny you can't complain," 

But that's the thing, isn't it? It doesn't matter how fat or how skinny you are. Your mind can distort any image in the mirror. I have had good periods where I feel happy with myself. And I have had bad periods where I've felt fat and disgusting. The last good period was during lent, when I went from 132 lbs to 124 and I was elated. I marvelled at the numbers on the scale. I was happy with my lean appearance. And now here I am, back to 135, my highest ever weight, and I feel deeply unhappy. 

Part of it is my terrible eating habits. I've been eating way too much junk food and sweets because if I'm going to put some sugar in my body, I've already blown it and I might as well eat until I'm sick and hate myself. But part of it is just me. Sometimes I think that I'll never like my body, no-matter how many people tell me that it's stupid and self-centered. In some ways those comments hurt the most, because they devalue your struggle in itself. 

Given all this, I think that it's important how I approach my eating habits. Cutting out all sugar for Lent last year worked pretty well, but I don't want to do something that extreme right now. And I've thought of something that feels just right. I guess this is more of a temporary feather, but here it is:

Feather #3: For one week, whatever you eat must be eaten slowly

Deceptively simple, isn't it? I can eat whatever I want, however much I want—just slowly. No eating a handful of m&ms in one bite, and no denying myself foods that I like. {Rhymetime, baby}. Just taking my time to enjoy the food I have. I think it will help control my crazy portions but not send my body-bashing into overdrive. I hope. I'll let you guys know. I'm off to write, in the meantime. 

Angel

13 Personal Questions Tag

In an effort to be more personal ...

The Questions:

1. What do you order at Starbucks? 
2. What is the one thing in your closet that you cannot live without?
3. What is the one thing that most people don't know about you?
4. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?
5. What is the one food you can't live without?
6. What is the one quote you live your life by?
7. What do you like/dislike about the blogging community?
8. What is your number one song on your ipod?
9. What kind of style would you describe yourself as having?
10. Favourite number?
11. Two hobbies?
12. Two Pet Peeves?
13. Your guilty pleasure?

1. What do you order at Starbucks?

Well, to be quite frank, I'm not a huge fan of Starbucks. They're ridiculously overpriced, and I really don't like drinks that much. So probably either a hot chocolate or something to eat, like a brownie or a fudge nut bar. 

2. What is the one thing in your closet that you cannot live without?

Jeans. I literally wear jeans all the time, and since I have ridiculously proportioned legs its nearly impossible to find other pants that fit. 

3. What is the one thing that most people don't know about you?

Probably that I'm much more deep and broody in my head than I appear to be!

4. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

Have one perfect romance.

5. What is the one food you can't live without?

Cheese. Seriously, it's on everything.

6. What is the one quote you live your life by?

7. What do you like/dislike about the blogging community?

I like that it's a kind of communal anonymity, if that makes sense, and people are often more genuine than in reality. I dislike that it's so hard for new blogs to get publicity and yet so many popular ones don't really have that much better content. 

8. What is your number one song on your ipod?

*goes and looks it up* According to my most played, something by Mumford & Sons, maybe After the Storm. 

9. What kind of style would you describe yourself as having?

Comfortable and casual, occasionally verging on trendy but with enough weird in it to avoid the definition. I really have no clue.

10. Favourite number?

8, 88, 8888, the more 8s the better.

11. Two hobbies?

Writing and reading. I don't write as much as I used to, but I need to. I read way too much but less than I did when I was little.

12. Two Pet Peeves?

Old dirty dishes and people being on their phones/ipads/ipods/computers while you're talking to them. If you do this, you deserve to be locked up in a cage with an angry Chuck Norris. Seriously. 

13. Your guilty pleasure?

Long, long, long baths with a book. Nothing is better. One day I will just wrinkle up like a prune and stay that way.

I tag whoever reads this to do it, though that's probably no-body {there's the dark, broodiness coming through. not.}

Angel

So What's This All About, Again?

"This blog will document my struggles, hopefully my successes, and also my failures, as I set goals and experiment with new things on my journey to become the best I can be--and also to learn what perfect really means to me."

Exact quote from the very first post of my blog, exactly 1 month and 4 days ago {link HERE}. 

I've been reading some personal blogs lately {shoutout to Complaints of a Teenager, this blog is seriously awesome and hilarious, please read it}, and it's got me thinking a few things.

Such as:

-What does a lipstain review have to do with bettering myself?

-If this blog is for me, why am I making free printables and DIYs?

-Doesn't a "July Favourites" sound like it's for a beauty/fashion blog?

And:

-What do I want this blog to be about, anyways?

-Shouldn't I just choose one thing to blog about?

-But isn't my personal life too boring for other people?

-Didn't I just say that this blog was for me?

I guess mostly these aren't tough questions. The answers, in order, would be "Nothing, because obviously it isn't, yes, I have no idea, maybe?, probably, and yes, idiot, you did."

When I wrote that brain dump, I felt better. Even though it's barely coherent and makes little sense, it felt good to write, to get it down, and off my mind. That's what this blog is about. It is about me, however selfish that sounds. And I guess I haven't really been keeping that in mind. Either that or I've been reading too many beauty blogs. 

That being said, those, if any of you, who follow this blog regularly may have been noting the rapid-fire changes. I have deleted the multiple tabs that used to reside at the top of my blog, because, well, I felt constrained. I will be forgoing the use of labels right now as I still am not quite sure exactly what I will be blogging about and there's no point in having thousands of labels. I'll be focusing more on my feathers and my personal life, as that's what seems to be on my mind. But if I want to blog about my favourite mascara, well then, that's what I'm going to do.

Somewhere deep inside of me, I have this desire to be heard. In reality, over the internet. I would probably like to have lots of people read and comment and tell me how great my blog is, how knowledgable I am, etc. But who am I kidding? This, right now, is just for me. And perhaps that's the way it should stay, and, either way, it hasn't felt like me blogging for the past while.

So sorry. This is not a DIY or beauty or fashion blog. At least not as of right now. 

Thanks, blog, for being here.

Angel