I think this is goodbye...

Well, this is awkward.
And slightly melodramatic. A tad. Maybe.
But it's also true. I think this is goodbye.
You see, when I started this blog it was with good intentions. The greatest of intentions.
That's usually how I start things.
But like most things, it did not come to a satisfying end.
I did not succeed with all of my goals and become a perfect person. In fact I don't think I succeeded at one.
Whoops.
But it did teach me some things.
Like:
1) I should really think things through BEFORE I start them a little better.
2) I shouldn't try to blog about 6 billion things in the same space because it makes me frazzled, if no-one else.
3) I love to blog. I love to read people's blogs. And I especially love it when I connect with someone through the blogosphere (dat word!) (and shoutout to http://juddin97.wordpress.com and http://morningadventures.wordpress.com because they are ridiculously awesome people and we found each other and that's cool)
4) I do not know enough about makeup to justify a makeup blog even if I do like blogging about it
5) I do not have a very good fashion sense. (Currently, I'm wearing Greedy Smurf pajama pants that have not left my legs all day even though it's practically midnight)
6) But I try pretend
7) This blog is no longer inspiring me
8) And of course, the most important thing of all: I will never be perfect. I will never even be close to perfect. I once heard something like: "Perfect never ends. There will never be perfect because there is always more perfect," and it's true. The things we think are perfect are often deeply flawed and our dreams may be perfect but achieving them certainly isn't.

At my birthday party a few weeks ago, we were playing truth or dare balloons (a highly fun game, look it up) and one of my school "friends" (friends here meaning the term acquaintance who is a little more than that) got the balloon that said: "If there was one thing you could change about your appearance, what would it be?"

And she thought about it for a moment, and then she said: "Nothing, I like myself the way I am,"

And my first reaction was quite negative. And then my brain was all like: "What? That's confidence! You want to be confident!"

And then after thinking about it some more, this is what I realized: Thinking that you are perfect isn't confidence. Not wanting to change anything about yourself isn't confidence. There will always be things I amen't happy with, or even hate. No, I think true confidence is looking at yourself openly, plainly, and happily saying: "This is me. I am flawed. I am imperfect. But I take the good with the bad, and some days it may suck to be me, but other days it will be great. I am who I am, and that is someone unique and someone special,"

I can say that honestly, at least.

So if you take away anything from this flawed, imperfect, and slightly disastrous and rambling blog, take this: You will never be perfect. But that's okay, because being imperfect is much more interesting.

I started this blog with intentions of making adulthood seem a little less scary. Of growing up, if you will. I'm not going to say it was the blog, but I have grown up. I'm sixteen, in reality though in my head I think I'm probably in the middle of my 13th year. Despite that though, something has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I've become more relaxed, or maybe more sensitive or more ... something. But being independent doesn't seem so terrifying.

It's been a great time, mostly. And somehow this is harder to say than I thought it would be.

But this is goodbye.

For now, I'll leave this blog up, all the posts about makeup and fashion and things I know nothing about but pretended to, as a sort of memento to my flaws, if you will.

And now it's long and rambling again. Whoops.

Goodbye.

-Angel

P.S. I will be starting a new blog, but this one will be different. It has a set purpose which may or may not interest you, which is rekindling my creative side. If it does, here's a link: A New Imagination.

How to Wear Makeup to Enhance Your Features

You know what the #1 problem is when people wear makeup? They use too much. It looks unnatural. This is not a "no-makeup makeup" tutorial, which there are a bazillion of so if you want one, just google it. But I feel like the best makeup is often the subtle kind that enhances, but doesn't detract.

Here is a simple makeup look that I wear all the time and is flattering on any face.

Step 1: Start with a fresh palatte (or face). Use a good facial wash to clear away dirt and grime, and then a light moisturizer.

Step 2: Concealer. Instead of caking on foundation, a good concealer can cover up problem areas without looking unnatural. Dot it on any acne, redness, or dark circles and blend out with patting motions

Step 3: Powder. Use a translucent powder to set the areas you put concealer on and any other areas if you get oily throughout the day (generally avoid putting it on the cheeks to keep a natural looking glow) You could skip this step completely if you have very dry skin.

Step 4: Fill in brows. Use a brow powder instead of pencil for a more natural look and concentrate only on areas with sparser hare, usually towards the ends of the brows. I love the Anastasia brow powder duo which you can find at Sephora.

Step 5: Eyeshadow. Use a light champagne or pink coloured eyeshadow with a little bit of sparkle to brighten the eye. Apply on the lid only, and apply with a wet brush to make the colour more intense.

Step 6: Eyeliner. Using a black or brown liquid eyeliner, apply a very thin line close to the upper lashes. Don't wing it out. You can also apply pencil to your bottom waterline to give your eyes more definition, but don't use it in the inner corners and probably not if you have small eyes as this does shrink them.

Step 7: Mascara. Use a black or brown mascara and apply only one or two thin coats. There should be no clumps.

Step 8: Lips. Use your favourite MLB lipstick. That stands for My Lips But Better, it's basically a shade that matches your own lipcolor fairly closely. This gives the effect of fuller, softer, and more evenly pigmented lips.

Et voila! A subtle, sweet look that's suitable for any occasion.

Back Again, with a Birthday

What?

What's that??

I'm still HERE!??

Gosh.

Wasn't expecting that.

So where was I for the past, oh, month?

Living in res. Doing mad amounts of sudoku? Reading a book a day? Studying for a bio test?

Yes, all of that, but it's not really that important. The only real interesting thing to note, other than the subject of those post is that recently I've been leaving my laptop home during the week which has led to me doing much more reading, drawing, and other nerdy activities which I have, frankly, been appreciating.

But back to the point. October 9th was my birthday. 16. Gosh. In my mind I'm around 14 and a quarter. But apart from that, I had two birthday parties. Yes, two. One for my friends I've had for forever and one for my school friends.

The first one was a bowling and cake low key event with my old friends (gosh that sounds bad--a good old, not a I'm over you old) which was fun, and then a bigger party (12 people) with my school friends. And while the first was more expected, comfortable, and familiar, the second was slightly nerve-wracking and definitely not comfortable at least while I was anticipating it, it was way more fun than I expected. There was no hiding, no escaping, no incredibly awkward moments and dare I say it, I had a ton of fun.

I lay in bed yesterday going through the events and trying to think of something I did wrong to obsess over. But I couldn't even find anything. So I'm going to call it a success. And move on to stressing out about how to deal with how to keep my old friends while not shutting down making new ones. More on that later, perhaps. But I just thought I might let those of you who are still reading know where I'm at.

Angel

Picture Day Do's and Don'ts

I had my very first picture day last year at school. And it was awful. I showered the morning before and didn't even touch my hair so I had no idea what it looked like. No makeup, also. The photographer kept getting me to move my face in awkward positions and when the pictures came back it didn't even look like me; more like some gremlin with only one eye and the awkwardest smile ever. They were terrible and I hated them. 

Luckily, this year I am much more prepared, and now, thanks to these tips, you too can never suffer another embarrassing school photo. Hopefully.

DON'T

-Do anything drastic the night before or day of. The worst thing you can do is decide to try out a new acne cream or a facial peel that makes your skin's worst day look good. Ditto for trying out new makeup products or hairstyles. Stick with what you know makes you look good.

-Smile too early. If you have to hold your smile for five seconds, it WILL look more and more psychotic after every second. Trust me. Most photographers will count down. Aim to smile at around two or three, NOT five or six.

-Do a fake smile. There is absolutely nothing worse than a fake smile. If you have a genuine, happy smile almost everything else can be forgiven. But with a fake smile, everything looks bad.

-Wear very glossy lipgloss. This will take over your entire photo and you will look back on it and regret it. Trust me. Lay off of it.

DO

-Wear makeup. I mean, you don't have to, but it does help A LOT. One of my least favourite things about my photo was how my eyes had completely disappeared and my face looked washed out. Don't wear a crazy smokey eye or bright red lipstick or anything, but a little bit of foundation, some bronzer to avoid washing out, blush and a neutral or sheer lipstick/stain will go a LONG way. ESPECIALLY eyeliner and mascara to make sure your eyes stand out. Don't do anything unnatural or that you haven't tried before.

-Practice. I know this sounds stupid, like who practices for picture day? But if you practice your smile every day for two minutes in the mirror for a week, you will feel much more confident knowing what you're going to do on the day of. Picture something that makes you happy and get used to the way your smile feels. 

-Get comfortable. When you arrive at the photo-taking-place, make yourself as comfortable as you can, or at least fake it. Awkwardness does show through in photos, so be confident.

-Keep your hair framing your face. This is true for 99% of people. Go for MORE volume in your hair as opposed to less, as I always find that the camera tends to shrink hair a little bit and make it look more flat. Curls can be very flattering as well, but whatever you do make sure you've done the hairstyle more than once so there's no surprises on picture day morning.

One Very Bad Day

~A day in my life: September 24, 2013~

7:15 a.m.: wake up. unwillingly leave my warm bed for the cold of my res room.
7:20 a.m. shower. manage not to drop anything on my feet.
7:40 a.m.: morning routine & get dressed
7:45 a.m.: breakfast. cereal.
8:00 a.m.: piano lesson. note to self: must. practice. more.
8:30 a.m.: go back to res room. do math catch-up from yesterday amidst much hatred for precal.
9:30 a.m.: biology
10:25 a.m.: chapel. watched weird video about breathing that made me acutely aware of my breath for the rest of the day.
10:50 a.m.: pre-cal. spent most of class trying to keep mucus IN my nose.
11:45 a.m.: lunch. bad soup + kitchen duty
12:45 p.m.: senior choir. boring.
1:45 p.m.: Gym class. we played volleyball. my team cheered when I got it over the net, but only because it happened so infrequently. Note to self: suck less at volleyball
2:45 p.m.: Digital photography. Headache worsened and voice dropping pitch faster than a squirrel on caffeine.
3:40 p.m.: school over. get changed and decide to go for walk with friends.
4:00 p.m.: friends ditch me for precal, so I do homework too.
4:30 p.m.: finally go on walk.
4:35 p.m.: discover that boy who I like has a thing with someone else.
4:45 p.m.: study precal and eat six wagon wheels.
5:20 p.m.: go to room and watch Juno and feel miserably sick and ugly and unloved and mad at the world.
5:45 p.m.: girl from my mod comes in to tell me that I'm on kitchen duty.
5:50 p.m.: drag my sorry butt out of bed to wipe old food.
6:20 p.m.: finish movie
7:00 p.m.: attempt to practice, quit.
8:00 p.m.:  precal study sesh. hate life even more.
9:00 p.m.: practice piano in chapel. sounds bad. continue hating everything.
9:30 p.m.: eat junk food and more precal
10:00 p.m.: go to bed and listen to sad songs on repeat while NOT thinking about guy I like because I don't actually like him anymore and I never really liked him ever and it would be stupid to be sad about a guy I barely even knew.
11:00 p.m. try to sleep.
11:15 p.m. roll over to try to drain mucus out of one nostril to the other
11:30 p.m. plan fails miserably, resort to mouth breathing
12:00 p.m. sleep

Fall Fashion Tips for Teens on a Budget

This last week my whole school went on a retreat at a Bible camp. And it seemed like I left in Summer and got to camp in Fall. I did bring fairly warm clothes along but in a series of unfortunate events which I might explain in a future post, my outfits were a little weird that week. But I have been needing a lot fall clothes recently and I haven't been wanting to spend as much money. I've discovered a lot of things that will help any other teenage girl wanting to get together a fall wardrobe on a budget. Please bear in mind that this is my fashion sense and you may not like all the ideas here. Feel free to adapt or change anything you want.

Tip #1: Know what you already have

This might seem stupid, but many times you can lose track of clothing especially if you box things up for different seasons. Make sure all your warmer clothes are out and in the most visible section of your closet or dresser. Try on any clothes you aren't sure will still fit and donate or throw away anything that doesn't to make room for your new clothes. Make a list of all the things that you need after you know what you already have. 

Tip #2: Wear summer clothes with layers

One of my favorite outfits for fall is a pretty summer dress layered with thick leggings and a cardigan or sweater. It looks very cute and will still keep you warm, plus it's re-using summer clothes you would otherwise not wear! The same concept can be used with jumpers, skirts, and even shorts with colorful leggings if you're adventurous. Layering can transform just about anything. Experiment with this.

{image credit chictopia.com}

Tip #3: Thrift it!

Thrift stores are the best places to get a lot of clothing and most of the stuff there is between 1-10 dollars. Oversized sweaters are the best for fall time and you can find them at almost every thrift store. Sweaters are great because it's almost one size fits all. I find that because I have very long legs it's almost impossible for me to buy pants at the thrift store, but that doesn't mean you can't. (it just means I'm very jealous of you). Check out your local secondhand store, I promise you won't be disappointed OR broke afterwards. 

{image credit bostonianway.wordpress.com}

Tip #4: Buy staples

And no, obviously not the metal kind used to impale papers with. Staples are pieces that go with pretty much everything and are good quality and fit well. They are the things to spend money on as you will wear them the most. Below is my list of fall staples:

• Thick black leggings 
• Dark jeans 
• Button-up black cardigan
• Oversized warm sweater
• Warm fall coat or jacket
• Brown or black mid-length boots
• Warm socks

Tip #5: Don't be afraid of the internet

Often times you can get great deals on clothing on either online shopping sites or the online version of an actual store. Google whichever item you're thinking of buying and see if you can get it cheaper online (though make sure to look at the return and shipping policies first). 

That's it! I hope you enjoyed these tips and will make use of at least one of them. I have personally used all of them so I can vouch for their effectiveness. Also, it never hurts to ask your parents, especially your mom for a shopping trip. Chances are if you shop with her she'll be more than willing to shell out on some classy pieces you both like.

Happy fall, everyone! 

Living in Res/First Week of School

So...where have I been for the past, oh, ten days or so? Other than not on the blogosphere. (Man, I've always wanted to use that word. Blogosphere. Blogosphere. Blogosphere.)
Well, as you may or may not know depending how faithfully you read this blog/how clear I am when I'm posting, I am staying in residence this year at my private school. I did go to this same school last year, but this time I'm boarding there Monday-Friday.

I am a massive introvert. I do not possess what one might call "social ease", which is in my mind being able to put people at ease who you don't know well. Not being awkward in a social situation. Not eating an entire supper without saying a word while carrying out imaginary conversation with your enchilada in your head. Um, I didn't do that.

This is probably no news to you. But it should tell you that my expectation of enjoying res was pretty low. Very low. Extremely low. Why would I, a self-proclaimed anti-social people-hating socially-awkward home-loving person ever decide to abandon my home and family and journey off to a place a whole 45 minute drive from home so I could spend practically every waking minute with people who I barely know??????????????

The Answer: I don't really even know.

Honestly.

I could elaborate, but it would just get more confusing, so instead, onwards to how the first week actually went (or week and two days, rather).

Thursday was the registration/move in day. I arrived at around 4 with my mother and got my key. This was way too exciting for me. I love keys. I love having keys. I love locking and unlocking things. Don't ask. Anyways, to my surprise people actually seemed happy to see me and I got a few hugs (not a good surprise there, though). All of these people I hadn't seen in practically three months and now we were friends again. Weird. Anyways, after hugging it out and then transfering buttloads of stuff from the trunk of our car to my room, I got to unpacking.

My dream job would definitely be unpacking. Seriously, I love going to hotels just to unpack, fold, line up, and put away my stuff. It is an addiction. So I unpacked and moved stuff around and put stuff away to my heart's content. I have a really awesome bathroom mate who is super nice and I actually know fairly well, which is great.

After all that unpacking business, I went to supper with some of the Grade 11 gals and then wandered around the school until the opening ceremonies, which was basically the principal talking. Snoozefest.
Then I had a mod meeting (the residence at my school is organized into Mods which have six or so rooms in each of them) and met the other girls who are all very nice.

And when I went to bed, I remember thinking: "This is too good to be true. My day was way better than expected, I talked to people and it wasn't socially awkward and I'm so happy right now I just wish every day could be this good,"

And I went to bed that night in that strange place feeling happy and at peace with myself. And it was wonderful.

The rest of the week? It definitely had it's ups and downs. There were times I felt cared for, appreciated, and socially adept. There were also times I felt antisocial, lonely, and clingy. But in general? The week was far better than I'd hoped for. So I'm taking it as a success, a resounding, hearty success and I'm going to go back next week with an open mind, and a hopeful heart.

Life & Feather Update

Ha. Ha. Ha.
Success. Dedication.
I laugh in their faces.
Because that's easier than facing them and admitting that I let both of them down.
I have not been writing.
I have not been cleaning.
I have not been eating slowly.
I have failed in every way in all of my feathers. Big. Fat. Fs.

But you know what the funny thing is?

Somehow, I don't feel bad.

And that, strange as it is, is most definitely a good thing.

You know what it means?

My perfectionism is loosening its constricting grip. I'm learning to work with myself and be happy with myself.

I've failed, yet I don't feel like a failure. I feel like my life is more under control than it has been in a long time. My room has boxes and crates and bags and clothes everywhere in preparation for moving, moving OUT and I feel oddly calm and controlled.

What is this? Am I maturing? Is that what this is?

Or am I perhaps getting used to my failure?

I don't know. Either way, I feel like I'm no closer to figuring out what this blog is supposed to be doing.   Or, for that matter, what I'm supposed to be doing with this blog. But the feather thing is, perhaps, going to take a sabbatical.

I would appreciate so much if whoever reads this would take the time to comment on what kind of blog you think I should write. A personal/lifestyle blog? A project blog? A beauty blog? What am I? 

Love you all.

Fall Essentials

First of all, I'd like to say that recently I've been looking at my views on this handy tracking device on blogger, and I've been getting upwards of 10-15 views a day! And while that might seem pretty tiny in the grand scheme of things, to me it seems crazy. 10 people every day are reading my blog and listening to my rambles? I thought I'd just tell you that it does make me happy to know I'm being read. That and your comments inspire me to post more, because I'm not just posting to the internet, I'm posting to people. Now moving on to the actual post...

The top thing I have to have in fall is by far jeans.

Up here in frigid Canada, our fall is not something to mess around with. It gets cold. Jeans are my go-to bottoms almost all the time as they're warm, comfortable, and go with almost everything. I recently bought three pairs of jeans from American Eagle and I can't wait to wear them. American Eagle is my favourite jeans brand because they sell extra long jeans. Yes, I wear extra long jeans, size 6 extra long if you were wondering. I always hated having long legs because my jeans were always too short. ALWAYS. It drove me nuts so I'd pull them down and be left with too-low-on-the-butt pants which are just as bad. I absolutely love that American Eagle has such a good assortment of sizes (though they do only sell the extra long online). Their store also has free shipping to Canada and the US and good discounts—I got all of my jeans for $25 before tax and that's a great bargain considering that usually they're around $50 and last for a very long time. If you have odd proportions like me, I would highly recommend their jeans and their website.

The second staple is cardigans. I currently own three, one in black and one in maroon and a nautical navy red and white one, and they're great to just through on over a tanktop and are so cozy and warm. They go with practically everything and can be dressed up or down. 

My third fall staple is definitely a good pair of boots. Last year I had grey moccasins that I wore all the time, but this year I got an olive-green pair of military-style boots that I'm prepared to wear a lot as well. 

Another fall staple for me would be sneakers. I have a pair of converse high tops in grey and I love them for the warmer fall days. They go with practically everything and look casual and fun.

Fifth fall staple would probably have to be hats. I love a good beret and hats are great for bad hair days or nippy days where your ears get cold. I have a lot of berets and such but not a really good black beanie, so I'm on the search for one of those for fall.

And where would we be without a good pair of black leggings? These can go under a skirt or dress or with a long tunic. The options are endless and I think that if they're done right they can look quite classy. 

Seventh fall staple for me is a bright lip. I feel like a lot of fall clothing is fairly neutral colored which makes it easy to get a berry lip to pop. I especially love the Just Bitten Kissable Lip Stain in Charm, but any dark oxblood, wine, or berry colour would work.

A messy bun. I just feel like there's something fall-ish about the messy bun; I just see it paired with tights and a comfy sweater and it just fits. This is one of my go-to hairstyles on a bad hair day and I especially love it in the fall time. 

That's it for today, hope you enjoyed taking a peek into what I like to wear:) Comment below and tell me if you share some of my fall essentials or what your own are!

xoxo

Angel

Online Shopping: Beyond the Rack

I recently had a phase where I was online shopping kind of excessively. Very excessively. Don't judge, okay? Anyways, I placed orders off of two sites, beyondtherack.com and shop.ca. I figured since I had a hard time finding places to online shop in Canada that didn't have ridiculous shipping rates I'd let you guys know my experiences/opinions.

First, Beyond the Rack (BTR). I ordered four items from them on July 10th. Their site is set up with events filled with clothing or other items that only stay for a few days, so if you want something, you have to order immediately. That kind of sucks, but it does mean they have constantly changing and updated products, which is a bonus. Overall though I wish the events would last longer. Their prices are reasonable but not amazing, though they do have higher quality products which makes a difference. One of the things I really disliked about this site was that they charged you $11.95 for shipping even though they are based in Canada! They also make you pay for shipping if you return something, or so they say on their website, though I did return two things and I wasn't charged, so I'm not sure what was up with that. Another thing against BTR is that if you return something, you don't get cash, you only get an account credit. 

I received my first package from BTR on August 1, three weeks after I'd placed the order, which is a long time. The shoes I ordered were very cute and as pictured, but they didn't fit. The dress, however, felt cheap and the stitching was off-center and it gave me underwear lines. So that was not a go. Returning was easy because they put a label in the bag and I got full account credit. And the best part was that I got some awesome free samples that I had no idea about—a full size Olay CC cream which retails for over $15 and mini shampoo, conditioner, and hair thickener which I would never use because I need hair thinner, but it's the thought that counts. Also, travel size shampoo and conditioner and coupons for Crest whitening products. It was a jackpot, and it made me fairly happy.

 But then the days passed with not a hint of the other two items I'd ordered. Finally my shirt shipped on August 13th but they cancelled my skirt, refunding me cash as well as a $10 gift card. I also got a $10 gift card for my returned items. I was mad that the items took SO long and that they cancelled my skirt, but I was left with $43 in my account to use, so I bought a pair of boots and two necklaces. To my surprise the boots shipped almost immediately and they fit and I absolutely love them. 

So my overall experience? Very mixed. Their shipping rates are awful, but their rewards program is pretty good. Most of their products are pretty good quality but you never know. I would order from here again only if I wanted to buy something very expensive that was cheaper online so it would be worth the shipping cost. 

Let me know if you guys appreciate this or if it's incredibly boring. If you like I'll tell you how I felt about Shop.ca:)

About Me Tag

Vital Statistics:

Place of Birth: Somewhere in Canada ;)

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Male or Female: Female

Occupation: Free as a wild bird. Except for school.

Residence: Canada, as in NOT GONNA TELL YOU. Shorry.

Screen Name: Angel/The Fledgling Angel

Appearance:

Hair Colour: Dirty Blonde

Hair Length: Short/Medium

Eye colour: Hazel

Best Feature: Eyes

Height: 5' 9 3/4"

Braces?: Got them off in May! Will not miss. At.All.

Glasses?: Yes, but more often I wear ma contacts to spare the world a little of my nerdiness. {Apparently that's not a word. Okay.}

Piercing: Ears

Tattoos: None.

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Your 'Firsts':

First best friend: My friend C., we met when I was 2 and she was my only friend for a long time. Happily, we're still friends. Though I have more friends now.

First Award: No idea? I've been getting violin awards since I was seven or eight, so probably something like that.

First Sport You Joined: Baseball! I hate baseball. It's the most boring sport ever, but my mom put me in a little tykes baseball when I was around four. I couldn't hit to save my life, or catch for that matter. Most memorable moment was in my first game when I finally hit the ball, and hit it pretty well. Everyone was yelling at me to run home, and I, having no idea how to play baseball or what home was, starting running for my house. 

First Real Vacation: That I can remember, Mexico with my extended family.

First Concert: Faber Drive. I'm not proud, people. 

First Love: Hasn't happened as of yet.

Favourites:

Movie: Lord of the Rings.

TV Show: Don't really have TV, but anything food related.

Colours: Blue

Song: After the Storm, Mumford and Sons or Things That Stop Your Dreaming, Passenger OR pretty much anything U2

Candy: Coffee Crisp Bites. My addiction.

Restaurant: Meh. Not really a huge fan of most of them. 

Store: I really like American Eagle for their jeans but pretty much anything, I'm not fussy.

School: can't tell ya that!

Book: Gypsy King by Maureen Fergus is currently ma fave, but I read way too much to have just one.

Magazine: home organizing/decor. #dontjudge

Shoes: Moccasins 

Currently:

Feeling: Lazy and hungry

Single or Taken: Single

Eating: Nothing

Typing: This

Online: Obviously...

Listening To: Nothing. Previously, Lana Del Ray

Thinking About: Supper. 

Wanting: To not have to dust, wash my bedding, walk my dog, and have responsibilities.

Watching: The computer screen

Wearing: Pink cut-offs and a feather tank.

Future:

Want Children?: I don't want to give birth, but I'm thinking adopting is a good way to go.

Want to be Married: Eventually.

Careers in Mind: Writer, teacher, really have no idea.

Where do you want to live?: Somewhere warm with gorgeous scenery and not too many people.

Have you ever:

Kissed a Stranger: Nope...

Had Alcohol: Apart from trying sips, no

Smoked: No, and never.

Ran Away From Home: Yes! When I was very little. 

Broken a bone: No

Got an X-ray: Nope

Broken Someone's Heart: No

Broke Up With Someone: Kind of

Cried When Someone Died: Yes

Cried At School: No ... maybe? Not in public, anyways.

Do You Believe In:

God: Yes

Miracles: Yes

Love At First sight: Not sure

Ghosts: No

Aliens: No

Soul Mates: Yes

Heaven: Yes

Hell: In some form

Kissing on The First Date: Would have to actually experience this to judge.

Yourself: With some things, sometimes.

Back-to-School Shopping List

• Zippered Binder
• Dividers
• Mechanical Pencils + Lead
• Erasers
• Black pens
• Highlighters
• Post-it flags
• Graph/Lined paper
• Bedding
• Fun Tack
• Pictures
• Water Bottle
• 2 pairs jeans
• Comfy T-shirts/Sweaters
• Boots
• Classy sneakers?
• Runners
• Laptop case
• 
  

Ana and My Food Journey + Feather 3

I think my relationship with food was normal up until the winter when I was eleven. That's when, to be blunt, I got fat. Not hugely obese, but I grew a good-size belly. That wasn't really the problem, though. The problem was two-fold: I knew I was fat, and I needed to be perfect. "Perfect" didn't come chubby. I remember very clearly the moment of revelation when I first realized I was fat. A cold, wintry day, just before I was about to climb into bed. Standing in front of my small mirror in only my underwear, and seeing my stomach protrude over the elastic waistband. I was disgusted with myself. I vowed I would change.

The change came slowly. Cutting out most sweets. Eating less snacks. Nothing unhealthy or excessive. And the weight started to come off. It helped that I was growing, too. My constant mirror checks on my body were yielding encouraging results. By the time summer came my belly was nearly gone. But that wasn't enough. 

I was on the swim team, my second year I think, and that pulled even more weight off. It was exhilarating watching my body transform from chubby, flabby, disgusting to skinny and firm. 

I don't know exactly when my weight loss changed from healthy to unhealthy, or when the voice in my head stopped being motivation and started being damaging. I don't know exactly when I became anorexic. But I have no doubt that I did. First it started with skipping breakfast. I didn't like eating breakfast anyways, so it wasn't hard. I kind of liked the dizzy feeling I got, swimming in the morning on an empty stomach. Then came cutting out supper. A granola bar would suffice. It got to the point where I was eating a small portion of lunch and a granola bar for an entire day. I got to around 90 pounds and 5'6". My hipbones stuck out and my stomach was a hollow and I could see my ribs and all the bones in my chest. I looked sick. But somehow, I didn't see it. All I could see were my flaws. "My lovehandles are still there," I would think, pinching the small bit of flesh left on my frame. "My waist needs to be smaller. My side view is too thick. My thighs have a little bulge on them." I remember those thoughts well, probably too well.

And then, I stopped. I don't know why. Maybe because in the back of my head I realized how sick this was, more likely because my friends were telling me to stop and eat more. But I gained back enough weight to look healthy again. I was still skinny—my pot belly never came back—but not anorexic any more. 

But that's the thing, isn't it? You're never really not anorexic anymore. I mean, you can be a healthy weight and eat normally. But the voice in your head never goes away. I can't indulge and eat two cupcakes without the voice whispering: "You're a fat pig. Look at your stomach. You should be ashamed. Get yourself under control. Stop eating. right. now." 

True, I haven't listened to these voices seriously in a long time. But the effect they have on your self image is horrible. I can never be happy with my body. I wore a bikini once but I don't have the confidence to pull it off. I feel fat now, at 135 pounds, and the urge to lose weight is nagging at me again. 

Many people have told me how skinny I am, how lucky I am to have a body like I do, and when I tell my friends I feel fat, they laugh at me or glare at me and say: "Shut up, okay? You're so skinny you can't complain," 

But that's the thing, isn't it? It doesn't matter how fat or how skinny you are. Your mind can distort any image in the mirror. I have had good periods where I feel happy with myself. And I have had bad periods where I've felt fat and disgusting. The last good period was during lent, when I went from 132 lbs to 124 and I was elated. I marvelled at the numbers on the scale. I was happy with my lean appearance. And now here I am, back to 135, my highest ever weight, and I feel deeply unhappy. 

Part of it is my terrible eating habits. I've been eating way too much junk food and sweets because if I'm going to put some sugar in my body, I've already blown it and I might as well eat until I'm sick and hate myself. But part of it is just me. Sometimes I think that I'll never like my body, no-matter how many people tell me that it's stupid and self-centered. In some ways those comments hurt the most, because they devalue your struggle in itself. 

Given all this, I think that it's important how I approach my eating habits. Cutting out all sugar for Lent last year worked pretty well, but I don't want to do something that extreme right now. And I've thought of something that feels just right. I guess this is more of a temporary feather, but here it is:

Feather #3: For one week, whatever you eat must be eaten slowly

Deceptively simple, isn't it? I can eat whatever I want, however much I want—just slowly. No eating a handful of m&ms in one bite, and no denying myself foods that I like. {Rhymetime, baby}. Just taking my time to enjoy the food I have. I think it will help control my crazy portions but not send my body-bashing into overdrive. I hope. I'll let you guys know. I'm off to write, in the meantime. 

Angel

13 Personal Questions Tag

In an effort to be more personal ...

The Questions:

1. What do you order at Starbucks? 
2. What is the one thing in your closet that you cannot live without?
3. What is the one thing that most people don't know about you?
4. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?
5. What is the one food you can't live without?
6. What is the one quote you live your life by?
7. What do you like/dislike about the blogging community?
8. What is your number one song on your ipod?
9. What kind of style would you describe yourself as having?
10. Favourite number?
11. Two hobbies?
12. Two Pet Peeves?
13. Your guilty pleasure?

1. What do you order at Starbucks?

Well, to be quite frank, I'm not a huge fan of Starbucks. They're ridiculously overpriced, and I really don't like drinks that much. So probably either a hot chocolate or something to eat, like a brownie or a fudge nut bar. 

2. What is the one thing in your closet that you cannot live without?

Jeans. I literally wear jeans all the time, and since I have ridiculously proportioned legs its nearly impossible to find other pants that fit. 

3. What is the one thing that most people don't know about you?

Probably that I'm much more deep and broody in my head than I appear to be!

4. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

Have one perfect romance.

5. What is the one food you can't live without?

Cheese. Seriously, it's on everything.

6. What is the one quote you live your life by?

7. What do you like/dislike about the blogging community?

I like that it's a kind of communal anonymity, if that makes sense, and people are often more genuine than in reality. I dislike that it's so hard for new blogs to get publicity and yet so many popular ones don't really have that much better content. 

8. What is your number one song on your ipod?

*goes and looks it up* According to my most played, something by Mumford & Sons, maybe After the Storm. 

9. What kind of style would you describe yourself as having?

Comfortable and casual, occasionally verging on trendy but with enough weird in it to avoid the definition. I really have no clue.

10. Favourite number?

8, 88, 8888, the more 8s the better.

11. Two hobbies?

Writing and reading. I don't write as much as I used to, but I need to. I read way too much but less than I did when I was little.

12. Two Pet Peeves?

Old dirty dishes and people being on their phones/ipads/ipods/computers while you're talking to them. If you do this, you deserve to be locked up in a cage with an angry Chuck Norris. Seriously. 

13. Your guilty pleasure?

Long, long, long baths with a book. Nothing is better. One day I will just wrinkle up like a prune and stay that way.

I tag whoever reads this to do it, though that's probably no-body {there's the dark, broodiness coming through. not.}

Angel