Self Awareness

Lately I've felt pretty good about how I'm doing. I feel as though I'm sort of a hypocrite for saying that, sitting as I am amidst piles of spare bedding, shopping bags, dirty clothes, towels, and a general mess. But I know that once I get down to cleaning it (which I plan to do after this post) it shouldn't take me  more than around 10 minutes to get it back to spotlessness. Things just feel more under control, and that makes me feel more under control, and that makes me happy. 

I've also realized that self-awareness is pretty much the key to doing anything or changing anything. If we are aware of our habits, preferences, strengths and weaknesses, then we can work with them instead of against them. For example: I've realized I am a night owl more than a morning person. I am more motivated, inspired, and productive after lunch than before. Evenings are often when I get a lot of stuff done. I never used to know this because I always wanted to be a morning person, to be able to get up super early and finish the day's expectations at 10:00, and then have the whole day stretching before you, blissfully empty and ready to be filled with whatever you want. No expectations. No chores. Just adventure.

But I'm not. That's just the way it is. So I've learned to live with that. If I don't feel like doing anything in the morning, that's okay. I can have a bath and read and not clean my bathroom. I can be okay with relaxing, knowing that I have other stuff to do. I don't have to beat myself up over it. 

I don't mean that I have no expectations. I'm trying to get to bed earlier {trying means it hasn't really happened, but I want it to} so I can get up at least before 10:00, because I do feel better then. I'm not going to sleep till twelve every day {because I probably could} but I can cut myself some slack, and not beat myself up about not being productive.

Somehow I tend to think that if I have six free hours in my day that's six hours of productive things I can do. But that's just not the way it works, at least not for me. I can vacuum, dust, and clean my room in one afternoon. But if I try to do that, wash my linens, re-organize, fold laundry, clean my bathroom, and practice for an hour—well, although technically I could do that, the reality is it's not happening. And I'm okay with that.

I've struggled a lot with accepting myself, loving myself, and self-esteem. But I think I've been missing an essential link. To first love yourself, you have to know yourself. I think that might have something to do with my next feather. We shall see. I'm thinking of doing one new feather a week, if I can, so that one should be up soon.

As for Feather #1—I've had one great writing session two nights ago. I almost finished a chapter. It was lovely to start writing again, at any rate. It was late, and I lit two candles I bought recently, and the whole room just filled with the scent of baking spices and blueberry, and the flickering lights made me happy. I'm hoping maybe to do a little more today, but if I don't, that's okay too. 

My parents have decided that us children {mostly my brother, I think} have been spending too much time online. So the wi-fi has been turned off for a few days and I'm sneaking a few moments here with my mom's iPhone's internet. That being said, I don't know how long it will be until I can update. I have a few pretty good ideas for posts {teaser: MCC haul, makeup haul, DIY chalkboard vases, life management binder} but I'm not so sure when I'll be getting to those. There's been creative juices milling around in my brain. We'll see how well they actually turn out, but in the meantime, please tell me what you want to read. Anonymous comments are on. Leave me one. Please. Hint. Hint.

Sorry for a bit of rambling. I promise the next few posts will be less heavy on words and more heavy on fun things. 

Thanks for listening,

Angel